BUILD GUIDE: Stop Wasting My Time by Pastoulio

by Pastoulio (last updated over a year ago)

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It's coming up on a year since I wrote this. Not much of the champion or metagame-specific ranting really applies anymore, so you shouldn't really take my claims about "Leona having shitty damage" or "some idiots play Katarina as a hybrid" to heart. Well, I mean, Leona does have pretty terrible damage on her own, but she's still a great support for the utility she brings. And some morons do build hybrid Kat. But I digress; until I give this guide a complete modernized overhaul, please view it as a nice little time capsule of the state of the game a year ago. A 2012 end-of-the-world edition may be in order soon. I'll keep you guys posted if anyone still reads this bullshit.

And yes, I exaggerate a great many things in this guide. Not all of it is meant to be accurate, but there is still good information if you have a sense of humor. If not, I cannot help you. If you find yourself confused or offended by anything in this guide, tend to your hurt anus and seek solace in the wisdom of Lil' B, the based god, blessings of peace be upon his name.

3/7/2013 -- I stream now. Watch me get mad at people: http://www.twitch.tv/pastoulio
12/23/2012 -- Resumed upgrading. Will soon be replacing the "If you play this champion..." section with a Champion Review, where I will review every single champion in the game and update it regularly.

12/24/2012 -- Champion review is underway.
1/30/2013 -- Champion review complete. Just in time for nobody to care.


In the immortal words of Harry S. Plinkett:


"Stop wasting my time... I said STOP IT!"

This guide will show you how to not be a stupid fuckup when it comes to this dumb children's game. If you're anything like me and have ever played a game of League of Legends against other living humans, you are already aware that LoL is an exercise in frustration which ultimately culminates with someone getting reported at the end of every game--even in normals. And the person getting reported is usually me. This is because I am a bitter, angry person who feels the need to accost complete strangers over trivial errors in a free to play video game; seriously I am an asshole. If you see me crossing the road, don't brake.

But enough about me. I've been banned from the game enough times to know that yelling at people over the internet rarely produces any positive results (other than the therapeutic properties of venting some well earned rage), and only ends up with people paraphrasing some variation of "lol umad". But no. I'm not mad.


Why am I so mad? Well, it is probably because you have demonstrated, in the brief ~40 minutes of game time for which have known each other, that you are a complete and utter moron. You lose your lane and blame the jungler, or your lag, or the cat that happened to walk on your keyboard; and when somebody calls you on your bullshit, you inevitably retort with "lol it's just a game, umad?" And then, when our team is struggling in utter futility against the enemies that YOU FED, you shoot down every request to surrender, leaving all of us trapped in this limbo-like state until the enemy team decides to stop screwing around and finish us off.

Your dumb ass antics are wasting everyone's time.

I'm going to assume the best of you and say its not because you're an actual asshole (like me), but because you don't know any better. So I'm going to channel my rage into something positive, and instead of wishing rape and cancer upon you and your family in broken, stammering expletives (which get me banned), I'm going to instead educate you on how to better play this game, starting with when we first meet at the Champion Select screen. This is ultimately in hopes that someone reads this guide, so when you play a game with me and decide to troll or completely throw the game I won't have a fucking aneurysm. In before: "this guide is a waste of time." You're so goddamn clever, your reward is a wall of text.


Okay, so lets say that you, like most LoL players, are a recovering stroke victim that decides to queue for a game as part of your therapy regiment. Now if you also happen to have some kind of masochistic tendencies, you'll do some Normal Blind Pick, because "IT'S A NORMAL, GO PLAY RANKED TRYHARD."

I'll give you that much. There may be no rating-based consequence for normal games, but you're operating under the false assumption that your time is more valuable than mine. Furthermore, I don't think people understand what the word "tryhard" means. "Trying hard" is what you call Donovan McNabb playing quarterback for a pee-wee football team. While some champions are better than others, the "tryhard" concept doesn't translate, unless you're a pro League of Legends player chimping out on some noobs. And really, am I supposed to feel bad that you called me a "tryhard?" You're just mad, kid.

Most games are lost before they even begin because that ONE guy on your team decided to play a fucking retarded champion or a champion they don't know how to play (which, by the transitive property, makes the person fucking retarded). I play games to be competitive, because video games are all about self gratification, and an excruciating prolonged funeral of a game, which could have been prevented if THAT ONE GUY just fucking LISTENED to you during Champion Select, is not even redeemed by a totally justified "I-told-you-so".

It's a waste of time. This game is a waste of time. This GUIDE is a waste of time. But losing for stupid reasons makes it even less worthwhile.

Now I'm not sore about losing. Losses tend to teach you more about the game; they help you learn from your mistakes. A well-played loss can be satisfying for both teams, and you come to respect your opponents for their effort, even though this respect is usually shattered by the rudeness of post-game gloating. God I hate people.

I'm talking about losing stupidly. Thankfully this is 100% preventable, and it starts at champion select. See, lots of people talk about a "metagame" when they want to sound intelligent when speaking about strategy in a children's video game, but really it just comes down to the format of the game.


In the past, people have reacted to this guide by saying I am "anti-fun"; due to staunch adherence to the metagame. Well, I have fun when I win, and the metagame exists for a reason: it is the best way to play the game, until something better comes along. If you happen to think that the metagame sucks, and always try to pick against it; chances are that you either didn't get to play the champ/role you wanted, or you really are just stupid. If you did manage to come up with a metagame-breaking strategy, I'd be watching it on a stream, or reading about it in a guide. But no, you're here, reading my guide, so you're just going to have to shut up and listen for once. The metagame shifts from time to time, but it is improbably to change the general format of HOW the game is played. And there's really nothing you can do about it, unless you're some kind of ridiculous prodigy (now who's the fucking tryhard?).

So with this in mind, understand that when you pick your champion, the only thing that should be on your mind is:



If you have your heart set on playing a particular champion or a particular role, by all means, click your champ and let your team know what you want to play. Hopefully it's a champ you're good with, but hopefully you also weren't dropped as an infant, so maybe my expectations are too high. Regardless, now your team knows what you want to play.


This is why my blood pressure is measured in atmospheres. When it comes to champion selection everyone is an unapologetic asshole. I mean, what does it matter, as long as you get to play what you want, right? If you happen to care about team composition, you will often get stuck playing the roles that nobody really wants to play. You don't have to be a detective to see why, because the last available role is obviously the one that nobody else wanted to do--and it's usually support.

For the sake of team composition, it's probably best to just wait for your idiot teammates to lock their favorite champions, and try to salvage your trainwreck of a team by filling in the gaps. (Read: FIRE UP THEM ALISTARS, I'M READY TO PLAY SUPPORT)

There is an upside to being the team's bitch: you'll become a well rounded player because you'll learn to play multiple roles and champions. Sometimes you'll even get lucky and be able to play something you actually like. But above all, you should resist your urge to troll your teammates and instead play what the team NEEDS. It makes you the better player.

So what do teams NEED?

Well, lets break it down. A 'balanced' team requires every champion to have some synergy with at least one other teammate, because it won't matter that you won your lane if your team gets rolled in every teamfight. So on to the next couple of sections, where I'll discuss proper team composition.


Initiators are champions that begin teamfights by DISPLACING or CONTROLLING one or more champions on the enemy team. Lots of characters are capable of initiating, but here are the ones that do it best:



It's not just enough to learn how to play a handful of the above champions, but you should also know the basics of teamfight initiation, so that when our team entrusts you with this important role, your ineptitude will not provoke me into a seizure.

Why do you need initiation? Well, the basic reason is so that your team doesn't just sit there holding their collective dicks while they get poked to death by the enemy team. You need a guy to run in and force a teamfight by displacing or isolating targets. The enemy team will react by retreating or fighting; but as an initiator, you have forced their hand. By controlling the means of initiation, you have a better chance at winning the resulting teamfight.

Now, I've grouped the initiators into two categories: Tanky and Everyone Else. Tanky Initiators will usually have some penultimate crowd-controlling skill, such as , or ; which make enemy targets easy pickings for your teammates. Tanky Initiators usually build defensively, so that they may survive the initiation attempt and the ensuing fight.

Miscellaneous Initiators are primarily damage-dealing characters that have very good crowd control, and can initiate fights on their own. Ashe is the posterchild of these initiators, because is one of the best fight-starting abilities in the game.

This stuff should really be common knowledge to anyone who is reading this site (as opposed to MobaFire or some shit), but maybe I'm overestimating your competency. What you should take away from this section is: if your team doesn't have good initiation ability, you should pick a champion that can start fights.


Why one and not two or three? The simple answer is because when your equally retarded opponents mentally menstruate a realization that they should get some Magic Resist, it really bones your AP carries. AP carries are cooldown based, and if the opponents shrug off your burst combo, you're nothing but a glorified caster minion until your abilities come back online.

But you don't understand this concept, which is why you pick Malzahar or Vlad after I've softlocked Kassadin or Cassiopeia. You think you're just gonna go take a different lane and we'll both just kind of coexist. Then it comes time to teamfight and I see five Banshees Veils about to mow down our corpses. Fuck you people.

Anyway, you want to look for three things when choosing an an AP Carry

1. Crowd Control
If your champ can stun or displace one or more characters in a teamfight, that's fucking awesome. Crowd control wins fights.

2. Burst
Maybe your champ doesn't have much in the way of hard stuns, but you sure can unload tons of damage really quickly. Bonus points if you're able to do this to multiple targets.

3. Something Really Fucking Unique
Some AP Carries bring cool abilities or some niche value to the team. For instance, look at Orianna, who can do everything except heal.

Most characters which classify as AP Carries are currently viable. There's not a whole lot of them that are cripplingly bad or overnerfed currently, so you should pick your particular champion in accordance with the above guidelines. Remember that some matchups are better than others, and in a draft-mode setting, you're going to want to pick something that will fare well against your opponent.

So when it comes to deciding what kind of an AP Champion your team needs, it helps to be familiar with at least a few different champs; because all of them excel in different areas. AP Carries scale best with levels, and dominate the early game. Your team will be counting on you establish lane and jungle dominance. AP Carries generally go Middle Lane, but you can also play some of them Top Lane if you alter your runes/masteries accordingly. The best reason to play an AP Carry in Mid is so that you can easily roam top or bottom to assist in ganks; AND IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO DO THIS IN EVERY GAME. Lastly, never get overconfident as an AP Carry, no matter how fed you are, because all AP Carries fall off somewhat during late game. You can't take the place of a real Ranged AD Carry, don't be a dumbass.

But don't just pick your favorite AP Character and call it a fucking day. Picking someone like Vladimir is borderline retarded behavior when your teammates have chosen champions like Lee Sin or Soraka; this places the burden of having crowd control on your last two teammates. Since I usually trust teammates about as far as I can throw them, this isn't something I want to take a gamble with; but because you're picking Vlad you're probably an inconsiderate moron anyway.

I'd also like to touch on another topic: the concept of counterpicking. A surprising amount of idiots think that championselect.net is a guaranteed way to win your lane. Brotip: a good player will still mop the floor with you, whether you counterpicked them or not. Be the hero your team deserves, and remember your AP Carry fundamentals:

1. Farm
2. Win trades with your opponent
3. Ward your fucking lane
4. Initiate ganks for your jungler
5. Roam when your lane is pushed

For a more detailed explanation of middle lane mechanics and AP Carry bullshit, with slightly less vitriol, refer to my award-winning Viktor Guide: http://www.solomid.net/guides.php?g=17919-pastoulio-viktor-build-guide


While we're on the subject of AP Carries, there are a select few champions that deal both magic and physical damage. However, there are only a scant few that are actually viable when built straight hybrid. This is because their abilities don't scale particularly well with straight AD or AP, but benefit greatly from having both. Hybrid characters almost always get a and , and most end up getting a , because not all of them have great crowd control.

But Hybrids don't really take the place of having a pure AP or AD carry on your team, despite the fact that their damage isn't mitigated completely by one type of resistance. Most hybrids will end up going Mid, Top, or Jungle. Be warned though, as Hybrid characters tend to have severe dropoff if they're not significantly ahead of everyone else.

True Hybrid Champions

A "true" hybrid will basically scale with both AP and AD, and hybrid items can be viable choices on such champions. A good rule of thumb is that a Hybrid Champion tends to do heavy magic damage at melee range. No, you shouldn't fucking build Udyr as a full hybrid; but you could, and it might still work. Most people tend to build Skarner tanky, while Akali is geared more towards exploding people with ridiculous burst damage.

[center]Champions People Think Are Hybrids

People look at the above champions and see that some skills scale with different attributes. "Clearly, these champions are hybrids," they say; and they're not really correct. These champions happen to be much more effective when built towards a singular stat; be it AP, AD, or fully defensive. The only champion among these you could really make a case for as a true Hybrid is Varus; but a Hybrid Varus is never going to match the damage of a fully built AD Carry Varus.

If you do your team the great disservice of playing one of these champs, you should build them as pure AP, pure AD, or Tanky DPS. You can look up guides for each individual character because this is already aggravating my hypertension. If you choose to play one of the above characters as a hybrid, please make sure that you're not on my team.

Above all, here's what you should take away from this rant about hybrids: Hybrids are niche characters that don't fit into every team composition. They're good options if you want to balance magic damage with physical damage, and force opponents to consider their defensive items more carefully. They don't replace pure AP or AD carries-- except for Akali and Evelynn, they're both totally viable AP carries right now.


Now, because you're some kind of mentally unstable psychopath hell-bent on giving me a heart attack, you might have the miserable option of playing a Ranged AD Carry. If you play an AD Carry, you will always go BOTTOM LANE with a SUPPORT. It is the Support's job to keep you alive, and it is your job to farm until you're no longer useless. Never play a melee character as an AD Carry. The burden of winning the game is squarely on your incompetent shoulders, and you've probably picked someone like Ashe.

While Ashe isn't inherently a bad pick, I personally don't even trust you to breathe properly without the assistance of an bicycle helmet; so I sure as fuck don't trust you to play Ashe well. I don't need the extra stress, so we're gonna make things simple here. When choosing a Carry, here are your choices:


But lets say you've got mad skills which serve as your primary source of income:


Why are Vayne and Ezreal in both lists? They have incredibly high skill ceilings, which attracts both good players who can actually use the champions; and retards who want to look like they're competent. Sure, you can pick up Vayne or Ezreal and win a game or two, but there's a world of difference in the effectiveness of either champion when a drooling idiot isn't at the helm.

My assessment of these AD Carries is purely from an "ease-of-play" perspective, but all of them can do the job. Caitlyn and Miss Fortune are easy to play and still roll people; so they can be very effective, despite requiring less skill than other carries.

If your dick is as big as mine, you will play one of these characters because they're the absolute best at what they do. Nothing more needs to be said here because if it isn't completely obvious you should probably just pitch a tent on some train tracks.


You're not good with Draven. If people have great difficulty playing Vayne effectively, then Draven is on an entirely different planet. South Koreans can't play Draven; North Koreans can't play Draven. He's beyond you.


Okay, I reserve a special brand of anger for all you sub-human mouthbreathers that don't think teams NEED junglers. There's a very specific reason that people have a jungler on the team, and that's so four characters on your team can get farmed up. Though jungle creeps do not give equivalent gold to lane creeps, it's better than doubling up in top or mid lane. You even get to run around the map and gank people as a jungler. Awesome. That's the main draw of having a jungler. If you start to lose your lane, a jungler can gank a few times and make it look like you don't have cerebral palsy.

Ideal junglers are slippery characters that can gank lanes, clear the jungle relatively fast, and fulfill the roles of a bruiser and/or initiator. You can also carry from the jungle, but only if your summoner name starts with a "P" and ends with "astoulio". Here's the jungle meta:

These Champions Aren't Fucking Going Away Anytime Soon

They are perennial favorites, and you're most likely to see these junglers in any random game.

Solid Picks

All these characters can jungle; some better than others. I didn't list every single jungler in the game, but you get the picture.

Just Don't

I wouldn't recommend some of these junglers. They have largely fallen out of favor (or were never good to begin with). These junglers tend to have slow clear times, bad ganks, poor scaling, clunky mechanics, or all of the above.

By and large, this shit hasn't changed in years, and probably never will. 90% of games will feature some combination of the above champions trying to blow each other. Most of the time its gonna be Lee Sin, if he's not banned.

Lets say some wanker on your team picked a squishy melee character and called top. Well, now you're pretty much forced to play a tanky jungler. Suck it up, there's nothing wrong with this, and the sooner you swallow your goddamn pride, the better your chances are of winning the game. You're only in control of your own actions, and yelling at other people and writing guides about how much you hate your stupid dumb asshole teammates isn't going to change how they act, so you're best off just running with it. Don't be a butthole and disregard team composition.

When the team requires you to be a tanky jungler, you should play one of these:

Even if you don't have the best ganks, you're still capable of helping your teammates, and you can also initiate teamfights and protect your carries. Lee Sin is popular, but he's not the goddamn end-all-be-all of jungling. He CAN initiate in a pinch, but his kit is focused on mobility, not controlling and peeling rabid opponents off your teammates.


The short answer is: you do everything your teammates can't, don't, and won't. The long answer is to re-read that sentence until it sinks in. You have immense responsibilities as a jungler, which go above and beyond merely ganking lanes and making up for the ineptitude of your top lane. Your priorities are, in this order:

Ward your shit. Ward the opponent's shit. Ward the shit that your teammates should be warding. And watch the map too! Ping warnings for your top and mid lanes, because it is very easy for them to get tunnel vision. They probably won't listen because they are stupid, but at least you tried. The only person who should be watching the map more than you is the Support, and that's only because he'll be too bored in lane to care. Your job is to protect your jungle from invasion, because if someone dies because you didn't ward your shit, IT IS YOUR FAULT.

Clearing the jungle is your next priority, because you shouldn't be taking the farm away from your laners, you stupid prick. Swiftly clearing jungle camps and knowing when they spawn is critical to playing a jungler, because it is VERY EASY to get behind and be a useless waste of space on your own team. On the plus side, you don't have to worry about last hitting.

Blue Buff is the single most important buff for anyone with a mana bar. Red Buff is almost as important for everyone else. Controlling blue buff is a surefire way to help your AP Carry win their lane; and if they don't use mana, then it still helps you out as a jungler. You should also have an eye on Dragon and try to kill it (DON'T SOLO IT YOU MOOK, GET YOUR SUPPORT/CARRY TO HELP AT THE VERY LEAST) whenever the opportunity presents itself.

-Every Top Lane Ever

Put your idle time running around the map to good use and stomp some wards while you're at it. Yes, this item now has a 5 minute duration, but you should still get it.

Steal the enemy jungler's camps and leave at least one of the worthless minions alive so that it delays the respawn of the camp. Only counterjungle when you have vision of most of the enemy team; it's also very wise to invade their jungle when you have an Oracle's Elixer, so that you know when they know that you know they can see you.

You need a good mix of all of the above to be a successful jungler; don't just focus on one aspect, no matter which champion you are playing


Okay so a freak occurrence just happened: the morons on your team just locked in decent choices for mid, jungle, and carry. You're garbage at support characters, but hey, top lane is still open. Top lane is farm central, and this is generally where you go if you're a melee character. This is not always the case, and sometimes people counterpick with faggots like Swain, but you're not that smart. However I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and not just tell you to lock Garen and go top every time, so lets discuss the finer points of top lane.

First off, Top Lane is the easiest lane to gank, which means that if you're overextended on either side, its like ringing a dinner bell for their jungler. Your ass will pretty much die instantly. Therefore, champs with some good mobility and ranged farming abilities are king in Top Lane. I want you to ignore gimmick shit like sending your carry or AP top, and just focus on the two types of champs you'll meet in Top Lane: The Tanky DPS and the Assassins.

Here's some examples of Tanky DPS:

These champs are all basically diehard meatsticks that get in your face and whack you to death. I've omitted some of the more tanky characters because they are actually better in the jungle. These champs usually build some variation of Warmogs, Atma's Impaler, and a Triforce (unless you're Rumble or ChoGath, obviously). Then there's Yorick, who will basically just fuck you sideways and win the lane as if you weren't even there.

Here are the Assassins:

These champs focus less on rightclicking you, and will just combo you to death. They have high mobility and deal most of their damage through abilities. Some of these champs are also pretty tanky, but deal so much damage that they're more effective when built offensively. But I'm not here to tell you how to build your character, I'm telling you what to pick for a team so that I don't punch a hole through my monitor when you lock in Dr. Mundo and call "top".

You can't really go wrong with Tanky DPS: you have massive teamfight presence: you're difficult to take down, and nobody is going to focus you first. Tanky DPS characters tend to have high lane sustainability; this means that you'll spend less time running back because you got spanked in lane, and more time killing creeps and champions. However, if your team already has one or more Tanky DPS (mainly because your teammates didn't read this guide), you might be better off playing an Assassin, just so you can instagib your enemies while the Tanks tie them up.

Just to tell you right now, Pantheon is the worst one for the job. Panth has a high skill ceiling and terrible scaling, and you will fuck up. Play Talon if you need to beat down your AD-Caster boner; because he's a better version of Panth with the added bonus of being retard-friendly. On average, Assassins tend to be more squishy than Tanky DPS, and their survivability depends more on escape mechanics than being straight invincible in combat.

When in doubt, play scumbag Shen, Irelia or Yorick.


This is probably the reason why all of my teammates are fucking assholes when it comes to picking characters. Playing support in solo-queue is like being a designated driver in Ireland. Nobody wants to play support, yet every team needs one.

Let me repeat that.

Every Team Needs One.
So suck it up

And I'm not talking about picking a random champion and hiding in the bushes because you think you're doing the carry a favor. No, support is probably the most difficult job on the team because it requires you to do everything and receive absolutely nothing for your efforts. You don't farm, you don't get kills, and you die when someone looks at you the wrong way. BUT GUESS WHAT, Your team will be much stronger when 4/5 characters are getting farmed, and you're providing map awareness with wards while buffing the shit out of them with aura items. By sacrificing your income, you allow your teammates to be fucking powerful as shit, and some supports happen to be really good counter-initiators. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I'LL FUCKING TELL YOU.

Here are your choices for supports:

All these supports are viable picks. If a character isn't listed here, it is not a viable choice. This means Karma/Lux/Kayle/Morgana/Teemo/etc. are not good supports. Stick to the above champions for support if you actually want to be a credit to your team.

My Favorites

These three supports are my go-to champs because they offer good lane sustainability and excellent disables. Counter-initiation is the name of the game here, and while other champions are good at disengaging the enemy team, I feel that these three supports are the most versatile. Counter-initiation is the ability to reset a teamfight: Alistar can do it with Headbutt-Pulverize; Taric can stun and ult; Sona has a multi-target stun. These abilities allow you to have a response to an initiation that isn't "Get fucked and die." Of these champs, Alistar can also serve as a great initiator by throwing on his ultimate and comboing the enemy team.

That is why Alistar is probably your best bet when playing a support character, because he contributes so much to a team, and is NEVER BAD, unlike you. He's also free, so there's no excuse to not have Alistar. My favorite support is currently Taric, because he's just fun as fuck to play. However, if you are clinically retarded, just pick up Sona and mash buttons.

Oh yeah, as a support you should get gold/10 items and ward key areas on the map. But once again, I'm not here to tell you how to play a support; I'm here to help you avoid losing the game at the champion select screen.


So when you queue into a whatever game mode, you probably have a certain character in mind that you'd like to play. Chances are, your decision is fucking stupid and won't mesh well with what the rest of your team wants to play; so unless you're a special brand of toolbox and instalock, you should probably wait to see what everyone else is playing. I've already discussed the roles available in the game and the champs that are viable in those roles, but throwing five random champions onto the field doesn't win games: teamfight synergy does.

Lets get this out of the way right now. You are not a unique snowflake, you're not the best player in the world; you're not even the best player among the people you've queued with. You're not the best at a specific champion, and you're sure as hell not the best at a particular role...


But you can play like you are if you actually use some teamwork.

See the thing is, being the BEST at something doesn't matter when you're not the only one playing the game. You are exactly one-fifth of your team, and any victory is going to be due to mutual cooperation, not just your effort. That's why I'm writing this guide. You hurt your chances of victory when you pick a champion that doesn't synergize with what the rest of your team is picking, and I don't care how good you are with that champion.

So what is synergy? Its a measure of how well certain champions work together. Take Orianna and Wukong, for instance: Orianna's ult sucks in a group of enemies and interrupts their actions. Wukong then dashes in, dealing damage, the uses his own ult to knock everybody into the air and deal additional damage. Holy shit, that's a combo worthy of a Phreak narration!

Ever wonder why you see strange characters like Gragas being played at the professional level? Its because Gragas, and other champs like him, have incredible synergy with many of the 'more commonly' played champions, such as Lee Sin, Vayne, and Talon. Gragas' ult can be used offensively or defensively to position enemies more favorably. People don't play Gragas because he has great poke or decent sustain; there's other champs that do that better, but don't bring the sheer utility that Gragas does. This is the same reason I think Alistar is the best support.

Characters that bring nothing but damage have potential to be good, but when teams get stacked with just those characters, its fucking stupid. Take for instance, any team with Vladimir and Lee Sin. You might think to yourself, "HMMM, Lee Sin is super strong and super popular, so he's basically the only jungler I'll ever need! And then Vladimir is awesome so we'll take both because both are good characters!"

Fortunately for you, a well-constructed team is greater than the sum of its parts. In the case of Lee Sin and Vlad, both have soft cc, which means that in a teamfight, neither of those characters will be able to stop enemies from doing damage or force enemies to receive damage. Vlad benefits from having clustered enemies, while Lee sin tends to knock people away and duel. There's no synergy between these two champions, and neither can be used to full potential in a teamfight, especially when you're depending on three other unreliable people to make up for the disables that you two don't have.

The game you're about to play is not about you or how good you are. You have to become accustomed to a team dynamic because victory is not decided by 1v1, 2v2, or 3v3 engagements. The game is 5v5, and gimping your team just makes your odds worse. And then you say shit like "I won my lane, I can't believe we lost."

That kind of logic is asinine. If you won your lane, good job. That means that you probably didn't do anything to help the other lanes, and even if you did, your team didn't work well enough together to pull out a victory; which only strengthens my argument.


I've grown wiser since I first bought this guide, and game patches have made some of my previously accurate opinions... slightly less justified. In accordance with that, I'm going to instead review each champion and give you an honest assessment of the champion's viability and how much a fucking asshole you are for playing it.

Ahri is a decent mage that I will never play because I'm not a sodding weeaboo. But don't let that stop you; she's not bad by any stretch. After level 6, she's ungankable, so don't try. If you're good at landing skillshots, she has some serious poke damage, and her taunt can even be used to initiate fights. I can't stand this character, but at least I won't be upset to see one on my team.

Only assholes play Akali. She's cheap and annoying, but still effective. It isn't the champion that bothers me, it's the people who play her.

Best all-around support in the game. Pick-or-ban.

He's an annoying little shit of a jungler, but I enjoy having him on my team. Amumu is one of those champions that seems innocuous, but does ridiculous amounts of damage. He also is very naturally tanky, and his ultimate wins teamfights. Great champ, but fucking awful to play against.

Probably the most skill intensive AP champion out there. If you can't hit her stun, you are less than worthless as Anivia; and if you don't know how to use her wall, you're actually a detriment to your team. Anivia requires a lot of time and dedication to master, and when a random person on my team selects her, I don't trust that they've made the effort.

Baby's first AP Carry.

Baby's first AD Carry. Also one of the most skill intensive AD Carries out there. Don't play Ashe unless you're legitimately good with her. That is a catch 22.

Fuck you. This champion is everywhere because you're all a bunch of imitating morons. I hate Blitzcrank because you can literally miss every single hook all game long, but as long as you land one hook at the right time, it can win the game. This is the very definition of a no-risk, high-reward champion. Except that's only when the other team plays him; when YOU play Blitzcrank, you will never hit shit, period.

Baby's second AP Carry. Brand is thoroughly average; a jack-of-all-trades AP Carry. He's not bad, and can fit into most teams. Decent overall.

Baby's second AD Carry. And seriously, you're an asshole. Caitlyn has absurd fucking range, and if you're actually good with this piece of shit, you can literally rape your laning opponents. I'm talking full-on, penetrative rape. You should be jailed, you fucking monster.

Riot says this champion has a difficulty meter that shoots off the game client into their website homepage. I don't think so. All you have to do is get good at landing her delayed blast Q, and then mash E. The champion pretty much fucking plays itself, but her mechanics are strange when you first pick her up. Unlike Anivia, if someone actually owns Cassiopeia, they're probably at least decent with this champion. When all else fails, you can still just zone people forever without even trying.

Fuck your stupid overpowered bullshit champion. Cho's passive needed to be nerfed a long time before they finally got around to doing it... and it's still not enough. Instead of healing himself to full after clearing a minion wave, Cho now *only* heals to half--or he would, if you could ever get close enough to deal him any fucking damage. Cho has incredibly lategame scaling, and some of the best disengagement tools in the game. Effective champion, but go fuck yourself if you play him.

Corki's an effective carry, but I can't stand his character model or his art or anything about him. He just looks grody. Along with Ezreal, he possesses the best escape ability among the AD Carries. I haven't seen Corki too often lately, but he's still one of the better carries.

If you whine on the forums about how Darius is OP, you should uninstall. If you see someone pick Darius in Ranked, counterpick him with a ranged top champion, and watch him cry. Kayle, for one, is a great Darius counter. Darius can be kited so hard, you'll make people want to refund the champion. God help you if you feed him though (which you will... because you're bad).

Nerfed into the ground. Next!


Great jungler, but his early game is incredibly weak. He has no sustainability until he gets his ultimate, and you're best off just farming until you're not worthless in a fight. Mundo also has a hard time chasing champs like Ezreal and Corki that can just kite him forever.

She's apparently really good, but very difficult to play. I'd really advise against picking this champion if you're on my team. If you're on the enemy team, go ahead and feed. Elise has more in common with bruisers than she does with mages; but I'm no fucking expert on Elise. She's just one of those stupid champions that bloats the roster.

Evelynn is a viable pick for mid and jungle, but you're still the fucking scum of the earth if you pick her. She's a real terror in mid lane because of her ridiculous mobility and roaming threat. She does huge damage late game, and every time she goes invisible, you have to assume that she's gone to gank another lane. Luckily, my #1 hombre Viktor takes a big steaming dump all over Evelynn in lane. Too bad she can just catch up by roaming and feeding off of my idiot teammates. I still loathe this champ and anyone who plays her.

Ezreal used to be a carry that was considered unplayable due to his skill ceiling. Now he's everywhere. This doesn't mean people got better; it just means they enjoy playing waif-like ladyboys. Ezreal was recently nerfed, but he's still decent. He has a bit of a lategame falloff though, because your mystic shots are fucking worthless when they do less than your autoattacks.

First of all, go fuck yourself. If you face fiddlesticks, you better grab , or else you'll be CC'd for what feels like YEARS. Fiddles' Fear is retarded, and his Crowstorm is the highest scaling damage skill in the game. Don't fucking stand in that shit. Luckily, Fiddles is really goddamn awkward to play, and can't lane at all. He's decent as a support, but subpar in the jungle. Annoying as shit any way you look at him though.

Whatever. Fiora is just a big mediocre bag of "meh." Her ult is scary when you get a , but she's still a one-trick pony. Don't right click her when she can Parry, and you'll generally be fine. She kinda sucks right now, and has no redeeming crowd controlling abilities.

Fizz is an annoying little shit. You'll never be able to target this little fucker, and he'll just dance all over the screen until he gets right up in your face and two-shots you. Fizz snowballs harder than any other AP Carry (except maybe LeBlanc), and has one of the best kits in the game. But still, fuck Fizz, and fuck you.

Galio is not a great AP counterpick anymore. In fact, he's not really that great overall. He can lane decently, but he's by no means an AP carry. Lategame he can become unkillable, but he just doesn't have that "oomph" that similar champions have. There's literally no reason to play Galio when you can just play Amumu. Galio also can't really use his ultimate for anything but counterinitiation; so there's that against him as well. Poor guy.

Super bland champ and I'm glad nobody plays him anymore. Seriously, this champ is the most boring one in the game, except for maybe Caitlyn.

Baby's first bruiser. Send your AD Carry against him if you're that concerned about winning the lane.

Fat awesome dude with a retardedly useful kit. Gragas can poke, initiate, counterinitiate, and has decent lane sustain. Pretty cool guy; doesn't afraid of anything.

I hate graves because he's annoying as shit to lane against. A character as naturally tanky as Graves has no business doing that much damage.

GOTTA GO FAST. Hecarim is the best champion in League of Legends. He's a super hard carry during the lategame, and is literally unkillabe. You can't escape from him; he just chases you down and fucks your mouth... through your ass.

"Don't play that mango-headed freak." -My roomate, upon seeing Heimerdinger's portrait. He's never played this game in his life, and has deeper insight than most pro players.

Yeah champions that deal true damage are inherently balanced, amirite? Irelia will do nothing but farm and take it up the ass for the first twenty minutes of the game. Then, if you didn't stomp her enough, she becomes an unkillable monster and ruins your life.

Worst support in the game right now. She's got nothing on Taric/Sona/Alisar; because Janna can't fucking initiate and she can't deal damage; especially if her carry is retarded.

Powerman is awesome. He's just really fucking solid. Once you graduate from playing Garen, learn Powerman.

Baby's first hypercarry. No seriously though, fuck Jax. This champion has never been balanced and I fucking hate him. Counterstrike is a horrible mechanic, and his mobility is WAY too fucking good for the amount of damage he can deal. There's literally no drawback to playing Jax. No tradeoff whatsoever; just farm up and win.

-Steve "Guinsoo" Feak


You either end up being a hypercarry kill-stealing son of a bitch, or you die and are useless. Really no middle ground with this guy,

What, is one Flash not enough for you? Kassadin is one of those champions that just should never die, ever. You have too many escapes. You can get away no matter what, as long as you're smart about it. To me, that seems imbalanced as fuck, but nobody plays Kass these days so whatever.

This one-woman janitor fucking cunt bitch is another champion that has way too much mobility for her own good. She was overbuffed in her rework, and it has never been addressed. If Katarina gets fed, it means that the game is over. You can't stop her without insane coordination of CC; and that's only if your team actually HAS hard CC to stop her ultimate. Just ban her and save yourself the grief.

I used to be really harsh on Kayle, but then I realized that a champion with a really hard hitting nuke/slow; a heal/speed boost; an AOE Ranged Autoattack; AND an ultimate that makes people invincible is incredibly useful. Not in every game, but Kayle is by no means bad. Kayle makes for a decent Mid/Top/Jungler... just don't play her as a support, ever.

Like Amumu, Kennen is one of those champions with a faceroll teamfight-winning ultimate. All you have to do is press R, E, run around, and collect gold. He's not a great AP mid these days, but you can play him Top pretty successfully, and I'm told that he's a decent AD carry.


He used to be good. Now not really. Not much else to say!

Next to Shaco, this is my most hated champion. Remember what I keep saying about highly mobile characters that deal way too much damage? Leblanc is the posterchild for that bullshit. Post-6, if you can't survive her burst combo, you lose the lane immediately. And if you CAN survive her burst combo, you will be going back to base within the next 30 seconds, or you will fucking die when her ultimate comes off cooldown. You can't even gank Leblanc because of her Distortion. God, fuck this character.

I'm so sick of seeing this bandwagon bullshit champion that I'm glad he's being nerfed. I hope he gets nerfed into the ground. I hope he gets nerfed so hard that nobody plays him ever again. I can't even tell you how many fucking times I've been *this* close to killing Lee, until his Q or W come off cooldown and he just... gets away. Fuck that.

Leona is like a toned down version of Amumu, but plays more of a support role, rather than straight-up initiator. She eats, breathes, and shits crowd control, so she's very rarely a bad pick.

Oh hi, you want a support that can fucking do everything and is annoying as shit? You've come to the right place. You won't even feel like you're playing a support; you'll be doing so much fucking damage, and crowd controlling, and stealing farm, and pushing the lane that you'll feel like the god damn carry. In fact, just start taking the carry's farm, it's all yours anyway. Kills? Take those too, the carry can just get assist gold. Now start building attack speed items. Yes. I CAN FEEL THE WARP OVERTAKING ME. IT IS A GOOD PAIN.

I hate lux.

Malph's awesome, but slightly less so these days because S3 is the fucking age of the AD Caster, and everyone builds . Suddenly, Malphite needs about 100 more armor to feel as tanky as he used to be. Still, he can bully Top Lane with the best of them.

What's that Malzahar? You get hard-countered by ? Now you're even more unplayable because of .

Mao rules. He's got some of the best base stats in the game, and some of the highest damage without items. Seriously, learn to play jungle Maokai if you want to get good.

Worthless stupid niche pick character that gets countered by anyone moderately intelligent. Unfortunately, nobody you play with will be even slightly intelligent. Yi will get fed in every game, and will wreck you as AP or AD.

Annoying, bland, boring carry. She's really fucking good right now, but I couldn't care less. She reminds me of gangplank, and I therefore associate her with boredom.


She sucks now that more bruisers are being played mid and her shield does fuck all to stop physical damage.

Lol who?

Not viable. Never really was.

The fucking prince of tanks. I have a massive hard-on for Naut. He does great damage and has the most CC of any champion in the game. Naut just brings a great kit to the table, and if your teammates can capitalize upon that, you will win every fucking game... unless you get counterjungled to shit and die.


Are you edgier than a triangle? Nocturne is for you. Be sure to buy his retardo expensive legendary skin. Seriously though, Nocturne's fine; he's always been decent.

Fuck nunu.

I don't really know what was going through Riot's head when they designed a champion with innate sustain, true damage, an ultimate that makes you an unstoppable monster, and one of the best chasing/kiting skills in the game. Oh, and his passive makes him win duels without trying. That's fair. Olaf is the original lane bully.

The only thing that Orianna cannot do is heal allies. If she could heal, then Orianna could perform every single function in the game. She can slow enemies, speed up allies, shield, scout, poke, burst, knock-up, initiate, and counterinitiate. Oh, and she has a really good autoattack. THAT'S BALANCE!

Fuckin MANTHEON. He's like permaban status now because he rapes people too hard with . Seriously, it's just stupid how much damage this mofo puts out.

Haha, worthless until level 13. She can't lane anywhere, and she can't jungle. Completely non-viable character.

The game has changed around Rammus and he is simply no longer viable. His kit is clunky and difficult to use, and he just doesn't do enough compared to the champions being released today. The only way you can play him today is as a jungler, and even then he's not that good.

Play Renekton top lane and win the game within the first 20 minutes. Or don't.

Pre-nerf: Bullshit OP cheap as shit fucking champion
Post-Nerf: Who's rengar?

Fuck Riven. This is the only champion in the game with such absurd scalability. Who the fuck decided it would be a good idea to give a melee champion insane scaling with pure AD and only AD? Seriously, a 6 second cooldown shield with a 1:1 AD ratio? A FUCKING SHIELD WITH AN AD RATIO? COME ON. Late game you can't even touch Riven's actual health points due to her shield. She's kind of tricky to play, but if you can get a hold on this champion, she's definitely worth the effort you'll put into her.


Baby's second AP Carry, but arguably one with the highest skill ceiling. Ryze can pull off some sick shit, if you're good, and his kit is never bad. Ryze fits into a lot of teams, and brings a good blend of damage, burst AOE, and crowd control.


Fuck you. No. I can't. I just can't. Fuck this champion, fuck everyone who plays him. Ruins games, anti-fun, annoying as shit.

He's like a brick wall in top lane. Oh wait, not anymore:

She's still viable in the jungle, just nowhere else. The game has kind of adapted to her counterjungling shenanigans though; but you haven't. That's why she'll still wreck your shit.

Spam your laugh hahaha now you're dyrus!

Fucking faggot. Right around level 11, he becomes unkillable, no matter how hard you shit down his throat during the laning phase. If you actually fed this guy, holy shit your team is doomed.

A true one-trick pony, no matter how you build him. Stun and whack things, or stun and blow up your shield. If AD Sion ever gets fed and sees lategame, he's kind of a hypercarry. Whatever. Nobody plays Sion.

Garbage carry do not play sivir under any circumstance holy shit she sucks donkey doodle right now.

Awesome champion. Use his ultimate to initiate teamfights, preferably when you engage the enemy team by yourself. Also, build a Trinity Force first, then a Gunblade, and then kill yourself.


While generally outclassed by literally every other support, you'll occasionally run into a Soraka player that will just give you fucking headaches. Luckily, she dies hard and has nothing outside of a silence and a prayer to defend herself with.

My personal favorite character, and his Northern Front skin just happens to be the best skin. Unfortunately, he's not even a little bit viable. As long as the enemy team has easy access to Ignite, Swain will never be good.

Syndra is that champ that nobody knows how to play, except for that one guy who does, and then he'll just murder you. Seriously, she does STUPID single-target damage. That's about it though.

u are 1 ****ing cheeky **** mate i swear i am goin 2 wreck u i swear on my mums life and i no u are scared lil bitch gettin your mates to send me messages saying dont meet up coz u r sum big bastard with muscles lol ****in sad mate really sad jus shows what a scared lil gay boy u are and whats all this crap ur mates sendin me about sum bodybuildin website that 1 of your faverite places to look at men u lil ****in gay boy fone me if u got da balls cheeky prick see if u can step up lil queer

One of the best supports. Brings a LOT to a team. If you can't hack it with Alistar, play Taric. Also, if you're not spamming your taunt, you're not playing him correctly.


Thresh is seriously one of the most skill-intensive champions in the game, but a lot of his utility requires your teammates to not be retarded. BUT THEY WILL BE RETARDED. THEY WILL BE SO GOD DAMN STUPID.

hurr AD Carry with no AD scaling huehuheuhehuehuehuue how are we #1 video game in world yes?


Look, he's not viable. He's just not. He's like a poor man's Darius. Just play Darius.

Holy fuck look at this gypsy. Guess what? Twisted Fate isn't a ban-worthy champion just because his laning is good (and it is), he's ban-worthy because he pulls off ridiculous ganks. TF with a mediocre team is just mediocre... but TF with a good team is beyond godly. Get the picture?

God who plays this shit rat? Fuck. Everything about this little asshole pisses me off.

Jewdyr is okay. I don't play him. In fact, I'll never play him. But whatever, he's alright I guess. Not right now, of course, but he used to be okay. Don't play Udyr.

Are you a faggoty hipster? Can you go more than five seconds without spilling PBR all over your argyle sweatervest? Well look no further, because this champion was made for you. He's not a carry, he's an ANTI Carry. He was a carry before all the other carries even learned to lift; then once carrying became popular, Urgot stayed ahead of the curve by going all anti-carry.

Varus was cool until Aphromoo started playing him, and then all you shit flinging copycats decided to ruin this champion with the worst playerbase known to man.

"It's okay guys, we just need to push this to lategame and we win"
-Every Vayne player Ever

"It's okay guys, we just need to push this to lategame and we win"
-Every Veigar player Ever

"It's okay guys, we can always just queue again after this loss"
-Every Vi player Ever


Not viable.

Less viable than Vlad. Only good for pubstomping EU West.

Really needs a rework. He's old and busted. Most of the S1 champs have not aged well.

You might be good with him, but I wish I refunded him when I had the chance. I went 0-13 and never picked him up again. Wukong has a terrible early game, but actually scales very well into lategame, and can hard initiate. Of course, that's assuming he has items; which assumes that he got farm; which assumes that he didn't have a terrible early game... which he did because he's shit.

The all-powerful finger of God. But boring to play, so nobody plays him.

Probably one of the most annoying champions, and one of the easiest to feed. He's fucking stupid, and his kit is bullshit. Only assholes play Xin.

FOR WHEN YOU ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, MUST WIN TOP LANE. Also fits really well into lategame teams who stack Guardian Angels, because you just weren't enough of a cunt without them.

Techy, high-risk/high-reward bruiser/assassin. If you can wrap your head around him, Zed can pull off some sick plays. If not, you're going to feed. And then I will report you. Dick.

Gimmicky champ that nobody really picked up after his release. He's kind of clunky and has horrible mana issues.

The most Halal champion in the league. Not viable, except as a troll pick to roadblock the enemy AP. Bonus points if you have Yorick on your team as well.

Was a super-broken AP Carry, turned super-broken support. She's slightly less broken now, but whatever, she's still good. Get caught more, idiots.


Maybe I hurt your feelings with this guide, but then again, maybe you should grow a pair of ovaries before you're ready to grow some testicles. For my sake, and eventually for your sake, I hope you learned something about why picking any old champion is fucking stupid and wastes everybody's time. Just because you feel like playing a particular champ doesn't mean that everyone else feels like losing. You have about as much a right to BE a fuckhead as I do to call you one, except... then I get reported and banned. The system works.

Regardless, try to understand that each game takes about 20-40 minutes and time is a precious resource. If your ineptitude causes a loss, whether intentional or not, that's fine. As long as you learn something from the experience, there is a positive outcome. However, when I check your match history after the game and see shit like AD Heimerdinger or Anivia with Wriggles, that's when I'll suggest you uninstall the game, and then uninstall yourself from life. If we're going off the rails on a crazy train, I sure as hell don't want to get stuck with you, and if the game takes a turn south, for the love of God, please surrender. I don't want to sit through this shit any longer than I have to, and I'll at least feel a little bit better about the situation if you happened to screw up DURING the game, but at least you picked a champion that was cohesive with the team.

That shows me that you're trying.

It shows me that you care.

Because I care too.

And that's really what its all about.


April 5, 2013 - 12:00 AM #1

http://eune.leagueoflegends.com/board/showthread.php?t=392347 read that. Then rethink your life and this guide

March 31, 2013 - 02:29 AM #2

This guide is awesome and everyone should read it. Loved teh humor, but the content was great, too!

March 10, 2013 - 06:16 AM #3

Duly noted.

March 9, 2013 - 04:49 AM #4

Your champion assessments are dated. Ali sucks, Taric is now the best all around support, Elise is the best top laner in the game, Fiddlesticks is a great jungler, so is Vi, and Nami is a solid support choice.

February 6, 2013 - 06:37 PM #5

Have to say, as a still fairly green player, I appreciate the effort and time you take to write your guides, with the Lewis Black humor making it a blast to read. Much of the advice you've given has saved me many a match, especially about being a team player.

Kudos man, and keep up the good work.

February 6, 2013 - 03:47 AM #6

Even though I don't play ranked that often because I cannot trust anyone in this game and never have fun when I either do poorly because of common BS champ picks that I can't counter with my mains or be matched with Spanish people I share like 99 percent of your opinions.

This was a great read, seriously. really brought a lot of laughs and made me say "god I know that feel" at least 30+ times. Sadly you have to accept some champs are piss useless in the main meta especially some you may like compared to others you fucking hate playing but they're super busted.

Thank you for showing me not everyone in this game's community is pants on head retarded and Spanish.

February 6, 2013 - 02:47 AM #7

You can beat around 60% of the current toplaners and thats enough for me. vs nidalee go seekers first item hextech 2nd and rylais 3rd and ull kite her all day early is about even because nida cant go aggresive pre 6 and around level 7 vlad beats her so she only got the advantage for one level. Elise is really simple, shes only considered strong cause she can q bruisers down and than kill her in spiderform but her q loses to vlads q and/or e so you will outtrade her any day amd if she jumps to you you can just walk away while q e-ing and pool if she trys to stun. Yorick is also easy as vlad if you use the brushes to lose ghoul aggro they usually just out sustain each other so its a farm lane (in which case vlad wins by far)

Katarina gets shut down by tankyness and cc, also you beat her in lane, and even in teamfights ur still better because even tough katarina has the mobility to dive into your squishy lane she isnt tanky enough, also the warmogs meta shut her down quite hard (and made vlad stronger)

February 5, 2013 - 11:19 PM #8

>He is also still viable top just the current fotm´s (darius jayce darius darius and darius) shut him down

So he's not viable in the current meta. That's what I said.

Also, Nidalee, Elise, and Yorick absolutely DESTROY Vlad in lane. Just accept it and move on.

Katarina is viable because of her passive, and she has ridiculous mobility while she's killing a team. Vlad can be kited, Katarina cannot.

February 5, 2013 - 08:48 PM #9

katarina doesnt have any kind of cc and is still popular most ad mids also suck at ccing people effectivly, most vlad players right now rush rylais and lyandris so they got at least ranged slows, in mid it is still almost impossible to shut down vlad you can easily lane against pantheon or khazix no problem theres just not enough room to deny vlad in mid as melee, also seekers armguard is the biggest jerk item possible against ad mids. He is also still viable top just the current fotm´s (darius jayce darius darius and darius) shut him down, against anything else he can still lane u can do decent vs elise nidalee yorick garen and most other stuff (did i mention you shouldnt lane vs darius?)

February 4, 2013 - 03:26 PM #10

If vlad gets shut down early (which he will), there is literally nothing he can provide to the team. Almost every other mage at least offers something in the way of crowd control or counterinitiation ability, which is always relevant, no matter how they are performing in the game. The current meta doesn't favor vlad; all I'm saying.

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